Former Fat Kid

Sometime ago, during my first semester in college, I befriended a girl I had in one of my classes. We instantly became close to each other. As time passed one night at her house, between watching movies, videos on the internet, “karaoke” night, laughs and pointless conversations, we brought up our childhoods. As I explained to her how mine had been, she listened attentively and every now and them commented on what I was saying. When I was done, it was evident that it was her turn to share her stories. After a couple of minutes of complete silence, she proceeded:

“This is something that I have slowly become comfortable sharing with only a couple. I want to open up to you because I would really like for you to get a more accurate sense of where my personality and some actions I take, come from.

As I have told you I before, I come from a big family. I also told you I was the 10th grandchild and I grew up surrounded by guys. Reality is I did, I was only really able to grow up with a girl cousin that is 1 year younger than I am. So right now she’s 17, about to be 18 on May 9th, I think. So growing up with her had its moments. She and I were always compared. She was the “skinny, light-skinned, “pretty” girly girl” and I was the opposite.

I’ve told you I was fat, and it is not an image I had of myself, that was really how I was. I was overweight and as you can see I’m more tanned skin, and I definitely was not a girly girl. I mean, I had dolls and stuff like that, but I liked playing outside, getting scars for falling on the backyard from running, playing hide and seek, doing “boyish” stuff, although I did sometimes liked playing with dolls. Although many may not have realized they often compared me with her, she would get all the nice clothes. If there is a comment that I will definitely never forget is one on a Christmas when we were little. As we were opening gifts, I received clothes, one of my aunts or uncles gave me a pair of jeans. When I opened them I was like, “ah okay cool, my first pair of jeans”. Then, I heard somebody say to me that if they didn’t fit me then I could just give them to that cousin in particular because they would definitely fit her. In that moment I really can’t remember what I did, but it’s one of the comments that I’ve carried with me all my life, it definitely shaped my mentality about my image.

I believe that another thing that also helped build that insecurity is social media (more now in my teen years than ever). I don’t want to point fingers like many women do blaming social media for their low-self esteem but I mean, that somewhat has contributed. As I scroll through news feeds and pictures, videos on my accounts on social media most of the time I see articles on how to loose weight, get a bigger butt, be thinner, and I’m advised on where my curves are supposed to be. Although I was not completely depressed about my image, I did grew into that mentality that I would do whatever it took to never be brought down by my image like I was back then.

Being a former fat kid, is really not being a former fat kid. I’ve grown with that mentality and fear that I’ll go back to being that “fat girl”, I really do. While growing up, we didn’t grow up with restrictions when it came to food, our plates would be served as for adults, drank vast amounts of soda, no exercise or sports were taught to us, nothing of that was expected from us, so trying to change those habits over time has been really hard, and to this day it still is.

There is a constant battle inside me between the former “fat kid” and my grown up self when it comes to food and looks. The former fat kid inside me says to not eat a lot, to only eat a little, to exercise like crazy, to do a million squats, hundreds of sit-ups, to not wear a shirt, shorts, jeans, and dress that will accentuate the flaws on my body. Then, the grown up woman inside of me says to eat whatever I want, that I should not care what others say about my body, it is my body. It advises me to eat 5 slices of pizza if I please, to be happy with who I am, to wear whatever I want, to buy a swim suit, a dress, lingerie, jeans, shorts, and shirts that I want, that I’ve come so far. That if I have cheated some days/weeks of working out that I will soon makeup for them, that if I don’t have perfect curves, to be happy with who I am. It is hard having those two voices debate with each other inside my head, deciding on which one to listen.

The “full of insecurities” girl image is more complex than that since my insecurities don’t always win. Some days I’ll wake up feeling really confident of the way I look, the way my body is shaped, I may have some flaws, not the perfect skin, other aesthetic “imperfections” from being a former fat girl, but I come to think that everyone has them. There is no perfect body so why should I surround myself with negativity about my own self 24/7. Other days, I do admit I look in the mirror and wish I had thinner arms and waist, more curves even a bigger butt, I honestly don’t see myself with bigger breasts, I’ve come to accept my breasts won’t come to grow 2-3 cups magically, so I’m okay with it, and tiny stuff like that. By the end of “judgement time” I pretty much shut those voices for the majority of the day, where I just become myself, be goofy, sarcastic, etc. I mean, they are not completely shut down for the whole day, but temporarily since I am a human being, and I know I’m not the only one who has these insecurities. I know in the past I have let them run over and do as they please but I have grown more and just basically learn how to attack them.

I admit, sometimes they do win, but I don’t let them get to me enough to throw myself in the bed, starve, and cry my way to depression. I know I sometimes, often, make comments about my weight, image, and body, and it’s not me judging because I’m superficial, but because there is that struggle between those “two people” Inside me…”

After she finished her story, she mentioned how she hoped I would understand better the reason for some of her comments about her body, her weight, and the flaws she saw in herself. To this day I still think about the braveness this girl showed, the strength she has and the struggle she has gone through every single day, a struggle that I assume many former “fat” kids may and might go through everyday between their former selves and the strong person they have become. Reality is, as I have said before, no one is perfect. I know every once in a while we all may judge ourselves and be hash with these judgments about the way we look, the way we act, but those “flaws” we see in ourselves along with the many attributes each individual has are what makes us the person we are and why not embrace them? We could all use some self love.

self love, child

 

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61 comments

  1. Oh how I have been here before. People do not understand the power of their words. Even someone commenting on the amount of food you’re eating can trigger you. I never saw myself the same after being told I would be pretty if I wasnt fat. Thank you for posting this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mommas i love you mi gordita bella!! You have overcome more fears in life by writing this.. ya’ are a fighter!! Remember mami its not our body its our heart.. body anyway gets old n’ ugly…. brain n’ heart never… #BolitaTeAmo”1

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautifully written, Fernanda. 🙂
    It was relatable. I could relate to your post not because I was a former fat kid too. But because I’ve been through something just as equal as body-shaming. I’ve been teased for being short since 8th grade or maybe 10th. When I looked around people my age, especially in school, they always teased me. They teased me when I had to stand in the beginning of the line during Assembly. They teased me when I said I wanted to play basketball too. I was almost always the butt of their jokes. It affected my confidence back then. It hurt to breathe sometimes. I’m still a little insecure about my height. But I try to overcome that. I don’t take them seriously anymore.
    Anyway, this is a good read indeed.
    Good luck for your future posts. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙂
      I’m glad you have overcome that! I’ve always thought bullying or simply comenting or picking about a person’s image is saddening. People don’t realize the impact their words have, how drastic the view of a person can change due to this.
      Thank you and same luck to you! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I really like this post! I totally relate to this. It is hard when we have so much perceptions of beauty shoved in our faces. But I love that she pushes through it all. “There is no perfect body” This is an amazingly true statement. Even models have flaws.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree with you, every single person has flaws, but as you said, so many perceptions are shoved to our faces that a person should like a certain way, dress a certain way if not she/he is “not beautiful” does creates insecurities in an individual.
      Thank you for stopping by! 😃

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for stopping by and your feedback! 😃
      I admit I sometimes do struggle with my weight as well but that’s why I enjoyed your
      “Your Body is like a Car-show it Some Love” because as well as exercise, food and moderation are a both a key into leaving some of these struggles behind. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s amazing. Growing up with my share of insecurities I know how it feels. It’s really well written and i loved the way you expressed it . Just took me back to my phase of self hatred

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh!!! I can understand your fear! I wasn’t fat but yes few years back while I was 15 and that’s growing age, people started asking me that if I’m older than my elder sister 😦 that was really offensive but I took it very very positive and started walk, running and within few months everything settled. *but I’m still afraid of that comment by people* 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wonderful! I’ve never had weight problems but I’ve definitely had image problems. When I was 15 I decided that I was not attractive and never meant to be. I got used to being invisible. I would never be beautiful like my younger sister and never get a boys attention. Now that I’ve grown up I know that there’s so much more to life. Being pretty doesn’t guarantee a relationship. And the guys I used to crush on were absolute dicks. There’s way more to strive for than beauty. https://onlyindreamssite.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for visiting! 😄
      I understand you in the not feeling attractive part, that gappened to me too in hs and now that I’m in college I do see things different like you mentioned, there’s more tjings in life. Glad you see things different now! I agree with you on the last part, there really is soooo much more.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I loved this post. Alot of women and girls have body issues. I have always had body issues. I think we would all be living our happiest lives if we stopped comparing ourselves to others. Thankyou for sharing ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comments on this! I think you are right and agree with you. Unfortunately I think that is really hard to ignore for many which although we know it’s only hurting us for doing so, it is something that we just automatically do.

      Like

      • I know! Like we don’t get to talk about our body issues because we feel it’s absurd or something. I am a former skinny kid and now I feel soooo fat. Like I’m not even kidding or fishing for compliments. According to my BMI I am overweight. I am short and I am heavy. It is so hard to like get back to my old body and it’s like a cause of insecurity from time to time. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • I feel right now it’s when body issues are being more controversial due to social media and television, but there’s still a side who thinks it’s absurd for us to think this way, which is completely misguided. I understand how you feel, it does become an insecurity, but sometimes even gym instructors suggest to not get caught up on our BMI since the body composition is far more complex than body fat and BMI is intended to measure all the composition. And I completely understand how it can be an insecurity because I as well have been there and admit to be there at times. Trying to get back into what we used to be or simply get the body we believe we would be content with does take vast amounts of motivation and determination when sometimes we don’t see the results we are looking for or they are not coming as soon as we’d hope to it simply crushes us.

        Liked by 1 person

      • True! I have read a lot of stuff saying that we shouldn’t look at our BMIs a lot because of the fundamentals and body components and whatnot. I am really trying my hardest to not eat rice and to really stick with my exercise haha 🙂 Thanks so much Fernanda. You are awesome! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, exactly! There are a couple of other ways that could give us a more accurate view of this. And it’s great to stick to those guidelines, I personally understand it can be extremely hard, but in the long run they become habits that afterwards become a well need. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • Now I am more inspired and confident about myself cause I’ve learned that there are people like you who look beyond looks, especially weight! 🙂 Hahaha Thanks for being an awesome friend, Fernanda!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. What an a great post. Indeed we can conclude that people who are pretty and beautiful are those that are slimmer, more tan and whatever else they have. This is because of how we as society describe a pretty girl. But at the end of the day, a pretty person is one who is healthy not skinny, a beautiful person is one who has a beautiful heart not the nicest make-up. What a nice post as always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading this Karyn I really appreacite it! I agree with you, we are sold these standards of beauty and buy into them complicating our life when iy shouldn’t be like this. I admit that breaking away from those standards is really tough. And so true, genuine beauty is not measured by your weight or beauty products, it’s much more than that.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, how refreshing what a great post. You write beautiful by the way. Body image is such a deep and powerful topic especially I feel for women but it’s also becoming a problem to more men as well. Everyone has their own experience of self love, some still learning. You have a new follower, my friend ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for visiting and reading. I agree with you, although most of the time when we talk about body image and how this impacts self-esteem, we tend to think that this only happens to women when it’s not like that because we are all exposed to how physical appearance has become a central point in our everyday life. And yes, for some, the process is longer because everyone goes through different and/or tougher experinces. Thank you! 😄

      Like

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