How did it all start? Do you remember? I do.
Sadly, you never had excuses for the way you did me. What, in all this was, your intention? I really don’t think your goal was to hurt me, yet, you brought my defenses down and attacked. I really don’t think your goal was to make me cry, yet, your actions gave me a lot to cry for. So if your goal never was to hurt me or make me cry… was your goal to kill me? You did.
That last phone call, do you remember our last phone call at the hospital? I do.
– It’s me. I’ve arranged everything, are you running late?
Then, there was a long silence from your side.
– Hello? Are you there?
-Yes, I’m here.
– Okay, so did you hear me? I’ve arranged everything. I told my sister that she could go home tonight, that you were really enthusiastic of staying the night here to help me.
And again, I felt the cold silence from your end for some seconds. Deep down I knew something was wrong, I just always tried to blind myself when it came to you.
– Seriously, is something wrong? Tell me please! What’s going on?
– You can’t what? You said your wife and kids had gone to her mother’s for the weekend, did they come back, dis something happened?
-No… I can’t….I can’t keep going with this. With you. I don’t want to keep going with you.
There it was. Those words that I had feared for years, they were my worst nightmare, my phobia. My phobia was now choking me to the ground while it was devouring my heart, my whole insides, me, it was devouring me alive.
– What are you talking about? Have you gone mad? Why are you doing this?
I swear I don’t know how these sentences made their way out. My sobbing was flowing like a high current, a tsunami inside me was screaming to come out. There was, what I still remember being the biggest knot, scratching with sharp claws my throat.
-Enough is enough! I don’t want you anymore.
– How exactly did you decide this?! It’s not true, I don’t believe you, you can’t! You can’t!
-I won’t be going, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. You’re not what I want. Being with you has been definitely been a good time, I don’t deny it, but I have a family that I will not be leaving for anything, that includes you. You’re ill in a hospital bed, in what way does this favor me? …It is clear it doesn’t. Please don’t ever call me again, we’re done here.
And like that, you left me with hundreds of unanswered questions, a ball of unwrapped feelings, and left me to die.
My phobia killed me.
Some months later you called again, I’m sorry I was not able to pick up. I believe you told my sister you needed to talk to me. Bad timing, I was long gone. The call at the hospital, that call, those words killed me once you hung up the phone on me.